Rebuilding takes time /  by Andrew Diaz

Rebuilding my life has taken so much time that I tend to forget to stop and feel the life that I'm living. I have spent so many years missing my old life with my ex-wife and when my children were little, that the present seems to slip by. I know this and yet…I let it happen too often. She is never coming back and my children are growing older. I must focus on myself and shaping my body into a more healthier version. I will keep up the art, whether it be writing or drawing.

I must realize and accept that if I don't focus on improving the life I have, I will continue to suffer.

Daily Drawings /  by Andrew Diaz

I need to break out of the feeling that everything I draw needs to be of monumental importance. So …daily drawings will begin starting today. I will setup a page speciacally for this soon. Who's a good boy?

Silence /  by Andrew Diaz

Sometimes silence can be nerve wracking. This time I. More nervous than anything. Being 100% honest with myself on what I want to accomplish and how. These things are very hard to accept…but I have to try. I am tired of living with the past as my companion. I want to be a better father, coparent and friend. To do all these and other things I will keep private, I needed silence.

Time to think.

Time

2023 /  by Andrew Diaz

I am going to make my website a priority from now on. I will post every day, even if it's just a rambling blog post. I truly miss that spark of creating and will make every attempt at finding that connection that I feel is not quite there. Happy New years everyone.

And then i flew /  by Andrew Diaz

And then I flew

www.artbyandrewdiaz.com

I flew in into my new sky

With wings of pencil and ink

Digital bones that support the smallest of dreams

Clouds of photo frames

Each distinct

Sometimes burnt with the gentlest of ease

The look of each piece unknown

The feel is what's most important

The message

It's goal

Like me sometimes

Damaged soul

Now

I lay my pencil down

Each stroke has purpose

Now I begin

Something I always knew

And then I flew

Beautiful sky

Home /  by Andrew Diaz

Home

Not planned with precision

Accomplished with vision

At times I faltered

On my knees hurting

My dreams collapsing

I opened my eyes

A new life

Popcorn ceiling

Home

Fruition

Now I must rebuild from the inside

Glorious

Kids

Laughing

This is my life

A new beginning

I hate /  by Andrew Diaz

I hate who I am

I do not like my face

I despise my body

My thoughts lean to self destruct

My dreams were left far behind

I hate myself

I most times

Wait for the end

No one to blame but myself /  by Andrew Diaz

It's a difficult thing to accept when you are down in your own hell

That it is your fault and no one else

That you are where you are because you were simply waiting for the end

You sat quietly by suffering

And patiently waiting

Now

The next step is either demise

Or

Strive to survive

Then you struck /  by Andrew Diaz

Well today was going good and then it started to go really well. I left earlier to do laundry and I was feeling ok. I had a set of goals and errands to accomplish. I was right on track and then I decided to text my son about the success I had in returning a skateboard he bought with the money but soon regretted. It was close to 11am and after I texted him…I got no response. Not a big deal so I texted his mom…my ex-wife, to tell him.

She had said he was still waking up. It was close to eleven so I said “Good lord. Is he ok?” to which she replied “He's growing and has his own room. Yes he's fine.”. Which I thought was an odd response to what I thought was a playful comment to his still waking up. Then it hit me, I got it….my heart had processed the meaning. It was a shot…and it hurt.

I believe what she meant was that at eleven years old he does not, nor his sister have their own room at my place. A place that I couldn't possibly have without my girlfriend. Then it hurt more…I started to bleed inside. Her words really struck a nerve…not because I believe she meant harm but because it's true.

It's been six years since our divorce and a total of 9 since we started to fall apart and what she thinks of me still holds weight. I for some reason still want her approval, I yearn for her to say “your doing a good job” or “thank you for being a good dad”. Yet…. nothing. I read her words as bitter and biting most of the time. I wish our relationship was better than it is. I wish our family was more whole…than it is. I'm not looking for what we had…I'm looking for us to be closer and nicer…more loving, so maybe….our kids can see the two people who created them, still care. And with that they will be happier and live happier lives.

I wish I didn't still seek her approval. How many years I've wasted waiting for that look or talk where I can know and feel…that she forgives me for the fall our marriage. I've changed her …for the worse and that is something I will never …that I can never fix.

Despite what people might think…I have moved on. I just don't recognize myself nor where I am. I have little drive and feel like my chance at rebuilding from losing my wife and family…is slipping. I want to be happy and my kids to know how much I love them. I don't want them to ever think I didn't try for that better life because that would crush me. And I am already breaking.

There is not much fight left in me.

I have destroyed too much and hurt too many.

I am sorry.

So very sorry.