Then you struck

Well today was going good and then it started to go really well. I left earlier to do laundry and I was feeling ok. I had a set of goals and errands to accomplish. I was right on track and then I decided to text my son about the success I had in returning a skateboard he bought with the money but soon regretted. It was close to 11am and after I texted him…I got no response. Not a big deal so I texted his mom…my ex-wife, to tell him.

She had said he was still waking up. It was close to eleven so I said “Good lord. Is he ok?” to which she replied “He's growing and has his own room. Yes he's fine.”. Which I thought was an odd response to what I thought was a playful comment to his still waking up. Then it hit me, I got it….my heart had processed the meaning. It was a shot…and it hurt.

I believe what she meant was that at eleven years old he does not, nor his sister have their own room at my place. A place that I couldn't possibly have without my girlfriend. Then it hurt more…I started to bleed inside. Her words really struck a nerve…not because I believe she meant harm but because it's true.

It's been six years since our divorce and a total of 9 since we started to fall apart and what she thinks of me still holds weight. I for some reason still want her approval, I yearn for her to say “your doing a good job” or “thank you for being a good dad”. Yet…. nothing. I read her words as bitter and biting most of the time. I wish our relationship was better than it is. I wish our family was more whole…than it is. I'm not looking for what we had…I'm looking for us to be closer and nicer…more loving, so maybe….our kids can see the two people who created them, still care. And with that they will be happier and live happier lives.

I wish I didn't still seek her approval. How many years I've wasted waiting for that look or talk where I can know and feel…that she forgives me for the fall our marriage. I've changed her …for the worse and that is something I will never …that I can never fix.

Despite what people might think…I have moved on. I just don't recognize myself nor where I am. I have little drive and feel like my chance at rebuilding from losing my wife and family…is slipping. I want to be happy and my kids to know how much I love them. I don't want them to ever think I didn't try for that better life because that would crush me. And I am already breaking.

There is not much fight left in me.

I have destroyed too much and hurt too many.

I am sorry.

So very sorry.