I stare /  by Andrew Diaz

These days I just don’t care for

Sometimes it takes hours to make a move

Get in

Take a shower

Get keys

Progress made

I stare most of the time

Into nothing is where I hide

How I miss so much of the past

The future its not present

Yet I grasp and grasp

What to do next

What plan should I hatch

Go do this or that

I miss your touch Alexis

I miss us bad

Times like this /  by Andrew Diaz

At times like this I just want it to stop. I miss my old life so very much. I know it's gone. I know my ex wife has moved on and so have I. I am so very tired and I miss it all. I know my kids love me and I absolutely love them. We should be a whole family….whole. I need a home. I am so lost right now.

Another dream /  by Andrew Diaz

I didn’t see you yesterday yet I had this very comforting dream and woke to such sadness.

This is an unfinished rhyme I found while cleaning my phone. I know I don’t know you anymore or appreciated you as you should of back then….

I sure do miss you sometimes

Untitled

Let me tell you what I felt back then

Its the past

Supposed to be behind me

All I see

Always in front of me

Like I'm lost trying to be found

I jumped off the roof

Yet to hit ground

You saved me in so many ways

Gave me a life and kids

Gave me purpose

Somewhere to live

Somewhere to stay

How I fucked this up I wish I knew

Let me tell you where I was back then

Laying in bed from morning to night

Like when its dark and your afraid to take sleep

I saw no light

Where do I go?

Gotta take that leap

I wish I told you

…….. how much you meant to me

Something is happening /  by Andrew Diaz

It’s not the weather

It's not me

Something is gnawing

Its chewing

Like termites to wood

It's surrounding me

Yet I don’t feel scared

I feel Almost fully prepared

This is it

It’s how I feel

Not diseased nor lonely

I just feel like something is happening

I will get through this like I always do

Like a hurricane will rip

All your belongings

All your dreams

Hopes and will

You can rebuild

But its never the same

New house

New job

New life

New

New

Let me close this door

And prepare

I don’t see a storm

Yet i feel

Something

Something God damn it

Something is happening

What it feels like /  by Andrew Diaz

I’ve moved on

I have looked

I’ll keep trying

Every day

All the noons

This feeling of uneasy gloom

It’s chemical

It’s me

Tired of sleeping

Tired of me

I eat right and exercise too

There’s not enough love in my life

I’m teased

I’m took

I honestly feel like i’m dying

I’ll keep walking

I’ll fake a smile

I’ll even talk to you

In hopes you don’t pry in

Yet I yearn for touch

I want to start a new life but not like the old

I visit the past so much it feels like new

I change it around and pick what I need

Put this piece here

That one there

I’m rambling

I’m hurt

Its chemical I know

It’s me

I……

Great morning /  by Andrew Diaz

This morning I did my first live interview with the beautiful Rachel Wilkins from Conception Arts!! Please take the time to watch and show your support. Much love to everyone who has listen to me through the years and showed me support:) I am always here for you if you need to talk:)

https://youtu.be/sGFHKUqkFvY

It’s a brighter day /  by Andrew Diaz

I believe it's actually more important to recognize the good days just as the bad ones…if that makes sense. For me its like when i’m sick with the cold or something, I don't take much time realizing i’m in good health. It's not until I do fall ill do I wish and recognize how I felt when I was feeling better. Two days ago I was in real bad shape. There was too much of everything and I just was about to break….but I have two beautiful children that need me as much as I need them…so I got through it. As I sit here writing this and thinking about whats coming up in my life, I have to say…it’s gonna be alright. For some reason if it’s not going to be good for me, then I will remember the good times I had and smile.

Fake as fake can be /  by Andrew Diaz

I don’t know exactly of it’s necessarily being fake but I can't stand talking to most people like i’m happy…i’m not. I put on a smile, make jokes and get by. This helps me get by through the day sure, but it more importantly just puts a band-aid on feeling better.

Bipolar and the decisions that derive from it. /  by Andrew Diaz

I think something that I need to focus on more are the decisions I make when I going through either a manic or depressive episode. While a manic episode can feel so good and exciting, I should be cautious on what I do while in it. I need to realize that my decisions don’t end when the episode does. I am not referring to anything in particular just a mental note to myself.

Sometimes /  by Andrew Diaz

Sometimes it’s just how I feel

Lately its been plaguing me

Not sick

Nor ill

I feel wrapped up in this one thought

What if it’s over

My time

My shot

I want it all back so I can do it again

If I could

Would I?

And risk all the moments made in between

I’m always starting fresh

Always a new plan

I dont want to be remembered this way

Half and broken

A lost old man

I have heart and the will to do better

But happiness and a home keeps on avoiding me

I Need repair

Im holding on to this fading soul

I’ll leave with this last thing

I have to show my kids

Never too old

They have to know that dreams are reachable

That as long as you have it within

Anything is possible

Even after you’ve lost it all

Even after you’ve lost you

Get some rest

Tomorrow is a new day

where does this get me? /  by Andrew Diaz

like moving a mountain with my pen

I sometimes can’t distinguish pain from loneliness

Always looking to the past for something that will last

Like memories you can’t quite remember

From January to December

Every day you think of what was

The present holds very little joy except the laughter of your only two joys

Now i’m grasping

Body collapsing

What must I do

What can I say

Remember

Move on

There has to be some way

So I draw

And wait to create

I’m hoping something or someone will come of this visual rambling

Please stay with me

I’m drifting

No love

No one missing

The past /  by Andrew Diaz

I know people always say that you have to move on and I wish they knew that I have. It's just here is really lonely……really lonely.

Where i am and where i hope to be /  by Andrew Diaz

I have been working on this new website for some time now. Since it is up and running I have to ask myself two very important questions, where am I and where do I want to be? I am not sure I have an answer to either…..but I am working on it.